Festive stress: how to handle it, and a ritual for the longest night

December pulls two ways: the days shorten and your body wants to slow down, while the calendar fills up with dinners, shopping and plans. A lot of festive stress comes from that clash, and here's what I think helps: daylight, simple food, spending less and a small ritual for deciding, before Christmas Eve, which parts of the festive season you actually want.

Take what's useful and leave the rest. Every home celebrates in its own way.

Winter asks for the opposite

For centuries, winter was the season for stopping. In the countryside people mended clothes, told stories by the fire and ate what the larder had stored. Many of this season's celebrations grew up around the longest night of the year, and nearly all of them have the same thing at their centre: light and warmth.

In Sweden, on 13 December, which fell on the solstice in the old calendar, a girl dressed in white leads the Saint Lucy procession wearing a crown of candles. In Japan, on the day of the solstice, people take a bath with yuzu, a small and very fragrant citrus fruit, and eat squash, because tradition says it sees you through the winter without a cold.

Neither is about doing more. Both are about lighting something and looking after yourself. I think that's the clue.

Where festive stress comes from

Why is a season that's meant to be happy so exhausting? Maybe because we ask too much of it. We want the table from the adverts and the whole family happy at once, and we pay for it at one in the morning, wrapping the last present and hunting for the Sellotape that never turns up.

Money weighs on it too, since it goes quickly in December, and so do the long afternoons at the table where the same old tensions surface. And for a lot of people there's the empty chair: someone who's no longer here, or having no one to sit with. If that's you, I'll come back to what helps at the end.

Habits that help in December

Get out in daylight every day. In December it's easy to go weeks seeing the sun only through a window. A walk in daylight every day, mid-morning or at lunchtime and even when it's cloudy, is the usual advice for the winter low, and plenty of people find it changes their day.

Between the big meals, the usual. The festive season is three or four special meals, not three weeks of feasting. On the days in between, go back to everyday cooking: a broth, some lentils, roast vegetables, clementines for pudding.

With alcohol, less than the table suggests. It relaxes you for a while, but then you sleep worse and, the next day, a lot of people feel more anxious and low. Alternating drinks with water, or toasting with something alcohol-free on a few nights, usually makes a difference. If you're pregnant, the safest approach is not to drink at all, and Christmas while pregnant has some alcohol-free toasts.

One night in for every night out. You don't have to go to everything. If you've got three plans in one week, pick two and say early on that you'll miss the third.

Money and the table

Decide before you start how much you'll spend in total, including presents, meals and travel, and write it down. In the family, a Secret Santa with a set price replaces a present for everyone.

If dinner's at your place, don't cook all of it. Ask each guest for something specific: the starter, the bread, the pudding, the drinks. You lay the table and do the main.

And if social media fills your head with perfect tables, take a break from screens.

The ritual: the longest-night list

The night of the winter solstice, 21 or 22 December in the northern hemisphere, comes just before the big dates, and to me it's the moment to stop for a while. If you live in the southern hemisphere, or can't do it that night, any quiet evening before Christmas Eve will do.

• Lower the light. Switch off the ceiling lights and light a candle or a small lamp. The candle goes on a plate, away from the curtains, and is never left alone.
• Write three things on a piece of paper. The moments of this festive season you don't want to miss, three at most. One thing you're letting go of this year: the homemade Christmas cake, the thirty cards, the dinner you always host. And one daily thing just for you, like the daylight walk.
• Tell someone at home. Said out loud, what you're letting go of stops looking like an oversight and becomes a decision.
• Keep it in your bag or wallet. When an afternoon gets complicated, read it. And when your festive season is over, read it again and see what worked.

If you'd like to end the night the Japanese way, have a warm bath with a sliced orange in it; if you're pregnant, make sure the water isn't hot.

When it's more than stress

If you're spending this season without company, or you feel far from everyone even with people around you, look for small connections: a long call to someone you haven't heard from in a while, a coffee with a neighbour, a few hours of volunteering. If it's hard to talk to the people close to you, a helpline is there too.

If the low mood goes on, if you can't sleep, or if you're finding it hard to get through the day, talk to your doctor without waiting for the holidays to end. And if you ever think about harming yourself, call the emergency services or a helpline straight away.

Light something, eat something warm, get out into the daylight. The rest can wait until January.